Once Upon A Time,
there was a girl named Cady. Now Cady was an absolutely massive specimen of a woman. I'm talking like 600+ lbs. Not only that but she was LITERALLY made of fat. Not just because she was fat, or even ate all fat, like she was literally a woman made of greasy lard. Now all the guys were obsessed (for some unknown reason) with this woman made of actual fat. They all want to marry her. But the problem is is that if she ever steps foot out into the sun she'll melt. (Hashtag logic). So her parents won't let her marry anyone, but finally they meet Aaron Samuels. Aaron is so rich and charming that they can't resist, and he gives them a huge Dowry for Cady and promises not to let Cady outside in the sun.
Aaron loves his new wife, but the issue here is that he already has a wife. Now obviously it's like, totally cool to have two wives but Aaron's first wife is something else. Her name is Regina, and she hates that Aaron has a new wife, especially one as BEAUTIFUL as Cady. Cady was kinda a package deal however, and her sister Janis moved in with Cady, Aaron, and Regina as well. Janis was supposed to make sure Cady stays inside.
Regina was tired of this crap. While she had to slave away outside in her totally optional garden she built herself, Cady got to sit inside taking selfies on Snapchat all day. It was ridiculous, and Regina had enough of it.
Cady was used to living life with constant attention from her, uhhh, suitors. So she was not adjusting very well to a one man only lifestyle. She constantly posted selfies and absolutely devoured each and every bit of attention she still got. Naturally, Regina being the manipulative woman she was, took advantage of that.
One day she called to Cady from the garden, saying how there was a special Snapchat filter out here and that Cady HAS to try it. Janis tried to warn her, but Cady could never resist a Snap filter. She ran outside to see Regina, and the second the sun touched her she melted straight into a puddle of oil.
Janis was so upset, but she saw one of Cady's toes had managed to survive. She acted quickly, grabbing the toe and covering it from the sun so it too wouldn't melt like the rest of her sister. She ran the toe inside, and put it into a big heaping pot full of pasta (Cady's favorite) in order to try to bring her sister back.
Aaron got home from work that night and was extremely distraught to find his favorite wife was now a literal puddle of grease. He asked Janis what had happened, and she explained the story of Regina and the Snapchat filter to him. She told Aaron she could bring Cady back to life, but only if he gets rid of Regina.
Aaron did the only logical thing to do, and literally returned Regina to her parents for a full refund of his dowry.
Once Janis saw Regina was actually gone for good, she told Aaron that Cady will be back to life after three months of simmering in her favorite pasta.
Sure enough, three months later, Cady came back as fat and as obsessed with selfies as ever, and Aaron and Janis were both overjoyed.
Somehow the moral of the story is supposed to be don't be bitchy to your husband's other wife or he can return you to the wife store.
The Puddle That Used To Be Cady from wpnature
Author's Note:
I think this is probably the most ridiculous story I have ever read, so I felt the need to share it. The plot line is just how I described it. It is a Nigerian Folk Story, of a woman who was made of oil and melted when she touched sunlight. I modernized it a little bit, obviously they didn't have Snapchat back in the time when this story was created. The names of the characters are all from the movie Mean Girls, if any of you haven't seen it I highly suggest it. The biggest difference is just my story is much more sarcastic versus the original story which was literally supposed to scare girls into being nice so that their husbands won't return them or sell them as slaves!
Bibliography:
Folk Stories From Southern Nigeria by Elphinstone Dayrell link
Story Of the Fat Woman who Melted Away
Hey Sarah! I love the layout of your blog. I am a little jealous. I like how you used the Mean Girls characters in your story. It sounded like you were telling me the story in person. It is casual writing, but I think it fits with this kind of story. From reading your author’s note, I gather that this was an interesting story to say the least. I enjoyed reading your version!
ReplyDeleteHey again, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteThis was definitely one of the more bizarre stories that I have ever read. I laughed a bit when I learned that Cady was made of a giant glob of oil. That just sounds so odd for people to want to pursue her. I really liked the fact that you incorporated some modern elements. I thought that it was really funny that her initial demise stemmed from wanting to use a Snapchat filter! That was really creative. Overall, you did a good job with this bizarre story!
Hey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, this story was ridiculous, but I was entertained and I like what you did with it! I noticed all the mean girl names, and was humored when I read your author's note that said you did that on purpose! Very creative! I loved that you modernized it by adding elements like snap chat! Your sarcasm was hilarious, and I enjoyed reading this story! Thanks for sharing!